


Smartie Pants

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drabble, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-09-14
Updated: 2000-09-14
Packaged: 2018-11-10 16:09:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11130195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Why Smarties?





	Smartie Pants

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).
    
    
    Title: Smartie Pants
    Author: Dancing Queen
    email:
    Rating: PG
    Genre: None
    Category: Snapshot
    Pairings: None 
    Synopsis: Why Smarties?
    Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, never have and never will. I do
    this for my own satisfaction and for pleasure of the fans of Due South.
    Money? Ha! As if I'd get any money from writing this story. Feedback
    welcome and longed for. 
    
    "Ray, I have a question that I've always wanted to ask you."
    
    "What's that?"
    
    "Why do you put Smarties in your coffee?"
    
    "I just like Smarties in my coffee...make it taste better." 
    
    "I'm sure they do, Ray, but is there a story as to WHY you put Smarties
    in your coffee rather than, say, sugar?" 
    
    "Are you sure you want to hear the story? It's not, like, anythin' special."
    
    "I'd like to hear the story, Ray."
    
    "If y' insist."
    
    "I do, Ray."
    
    "Okay, here goes...I had just graduated from the academy. It's my first
    day as a police officer, I go into the break room and grab myself a cup
    o' coffee. I took one sip and decided that if there was anything that
    sucked worse than me, it was the coffee." 
    
    "That doesn't explain the Smarties, Ray."
    
    "Will y' let me finish?"
    
    "Of course."
    
    "So, I took a sip of the coffee. It was bad. Ever tasted the coffee in
    a police station, Fraser?" 
    
    "No, Ray, I can't say that I have."
    
    "You mean you've been working as a police officer and coming into this
    station for years and you've never tasted the coffee in one of these
    joints?" 
    
    "No, Ray. As you know, I don't care for coffee. I prefer tea."
    
    "Yeah, well, it's terrible. So, anyway, I look everywhere for some sugar
    and I can't find any. The guys had decided to play a joke on me and hide
    the sugar from me on my first day on the job. I can feel them staring
    at me and I can imagine the grins on their faces. They're waiting for
    my next move. They want to see how I react, right? So, I do like they
    do on one of those Mentos ads. Ever seen one of those ads, Fraser?" 
    
    "No, Ray. I don't have a television."
    
    "Well, if you ever get a TV, you should see one of these ads. There's
    one that has a lady walking along and her heel breaks, you know, it's
    like, what's she going to do? So, she pops a Mentos and it's like getting
    an idea. You can almost see one of those light bulbs go off above her
    head." 
    
    "That's just silly, Ray. How can a light bulb go off above her head?"
    
    "Fraser, it's just a...a...a thing of speech, you know?"
    
    "You mean a figure of speech, Ray?"
    
    "Yeah, that. You know what I mean?"
    
    "Yes, Ray."
    
    "So, anyway, she gets this idea and she snaps off the other heel. You
    get the idea, right?" 
    
    "Yes, I do, Ray."
    
    "Greatness, so, anyway, getting back to my story, I dig into my pocket,
    find a few coins, make my way over to the vending machine, buy myself
    a packet of Smarties and dunk some into the coffee. Never looked back."
    
    "That's very interesting, Ray, but why Smarties?"
    
    "You don't let up with the questions do you? I can just imagine a six-year-old
    mind tickin' away there. No offence, buddy..." 
    
    "None taken, Ray. The Smarties?"
    
    "Oh, yeah. Well, Smarties were the only thing in the vending machine
    that looked appealing at the time." 
    
    "Ah."
    
    "So, why are you so interested, Fraser?"
    
    "Well, I read in the newspaper this morning that Nestl, the company that
    produces your beloved Smarties, is going out of business." 
    
    "What?!"
    
    "Just kidding, Ray. You could say, I just wanted to see your reaction."
    
    "Frase?"
    
    "Yes, Ray?"
    
    "I'm going to kick you in the head, now."
    
    "Understood, Ray."
    


End file.
